I Love You (for real this time)

I think one of the hardest things about my recent break up is that I miss taking care of her. It wasn’t anything she did for me, or anything I gained because of her presence in my life (which was alot). It was the way my heart felt when I was able to serve her and encourage her. Trying to make her feel like she could do anything, sending her bible verses that stood out to me, praying for her and with her, and challenging her to go deeper in Christ. I loved doing that! It made me feel like I had purpose. Being able to be a part of God working in her life gave me energy. It gave me hope for my own life and increased my faith and love for God. And it simply just made me smile.

So, to my dismay, when that became no longer possible, I was heart-broken. Not just because she wasn’t going to be my wife as I thought and hoped for, but also because I wasn’t going to be able to take care of her as I once did. God and I had a lot of conversations about that. I did most of the talking. lol. But in the midst of the pain I heard him issue me a challenge:

Love and take care of my people the way you took care of her. The same things you would have done for her, do it for them.

Wow. I honestly don’t know how I felt at that moment. Don’t get me wrong, I always loved you. But not the way I loved her, and not in the way I loved her. I would have done anything for her. For you, I’m not so sure… to be honest. And the hard part is, I don’t think I would have known what a real love for someone looks like without the time I had with her, no matter how hard it was.

That’s the part that God and I are still having conversations about. I’m trying my best not to dominate the conversation as much this time. But in the mean time, I promised him that I would love all of you the way I loved her. Trying to make you feel like you can do anything, sending bible verses to you when they stand out to me, praying for you, encouraging you, and challenging you to all go deeper with Him. Because I love you. And I want to be a part of what God is doing in your life and witness the changes he is making in you. Because it builds my faith and makes me smile.

And I love that!

You Can Hate Me Now

For all my life it seemed like everything I did came easy, everything I decided to do was great, and everyone liked it. I felt like a golden child in a way. Everyone seemed to think I was great and I could do no wrong. Somewhere along the way I let this pressure me into living up to the golden child expectations. I held back my opinions, I covered up any threat of embarrassment, and worked as hard as I could to keep my streak going. In a way, it was a blessing because I strived to be a really good person and I believe that paid off, but I still felt a fear of it all going away and that I would start failing and start getting rejected. Well… That time has come. Lol.

I think I have been rejected and disliked more times in the last few years than I have for the first two decades of my life! But in a way I am greatful. It has freed me up to start not being afraid of it anymore, which has allowed me to start saying what I really think and doing what I really want to do. What’s funny is, that has brought more dislike and more rejection!

What I realized is, I don’t have to act like a Christian or act Jesus-like or behave like a good man of God. I am one. So whatever I say and do is what a Christian man of God like me says and does. No matter what anyone else thinks I should say and do. God knows my intentions and I know my intentions. Anyone who has the wrong picture of who I am really needs to get ignored by me . No offense. Love you.

Now don’t get me wrong, it still hurts. Words of affirmation is still my love language. But I am learning that what God put in me to share with the world is way more important than any approval I can get from anyone else.

So here we go. Golden boy time is done. As long as i stay in God’s word and stay in his face to get a fresh biblical perspective then i shouldnt have to worry about what comes out. If I feel good saying what I say in front of Jesus and my momma then I am good to go. Lol. So… just incase anyone was waiting… you can hate me …… now.